Do you remember the composition we did on water safety? I have picked out a good story. It was written by one of your classmates. What do you think?
Tim said, "Hooray! Class is over." He walked out of school. When he reached home, Tim took out his new ball. The ball was bright red with black spots. He ran out to play. As he was dribbling his ball along a path, his ball bounced on a rock and fell into a canal.
Tim became desperate. He thought for awhile and said," I will jump into the canal!" He jumped into the canal. Tim felt frightened and nervous as he splashed in the deep green water.Tim desperately tried to swim towards his ball. The current was strong and Tim was a poor swimmer. He wished someone would jump into the water and save him. Fortunately, a man was walking along the canal and heard Tim's cries for help. The man wore a red shirt, a pair of yellow pants and a blue hat. The man hurriedly dived into the canal to save Tim. He swiftly swam to Tim and lifted him out of the water.
Tim thanked the man a hundred times. The man said, "Never jump into deep water if you are a poor swimmer." Tim nodded his head and left.
I have 3 questions for you to think about.
(1) pick out 2 good words / phrases
(2) pick out a good idea / portion from the above composition that you think can improve the composition you wrote
(3) change the ending of this composition (last paragraph)
a nice compo
ReplyDelete1.The two good words are swiftly and hurriedly.
ReplyDelete2.I can use describing words in my story.
3.Last paragraph can be,"If you want to jump into the deep water,you should learn how to swim.If you want to retrieve the ball,ask a passer-by",said the man.
Tim said"thank you for saving me."
a)desperate,nervous
ReplyDeleteb)we should describe the boy
c)Tim bought the passer by a present and thanked him.
nice compo (it's mine)-.-
1)swiftly,desperately
ReplyDelete2)poor swimmer
3)Tim thanked the man and the man said,"Never swim if you are poor swimmer."Tim never forget the man's lesson.=)
For 2.The describing words can be kind man,nervous Tim.
ReplyDelete1)Failing his arms in the air,Desperate.
ReplyDelete2)The current was strong and Tim was a poor swimmer.
3)Tim thanked him and promised him not to jump into deep water without any adult's permission.
1) Desperately, fortunately.
ReplyDelete2) He wanted to thank the passer-by gave him a warning never jump into deep water if you are a poor swimming.
3) ''Never jump into deep water if your a poor swimmer.''
Deborah:
ReplyDelete1) Fortunately , poor swimmer
2) Tim thanked the man a hundred times. The man said,"Never jump into deep water if you are a poor swimmer."Tim nodded his head and left.
3) The girl should write the same thing for the first part but don't write the word and left an then continue with when he reached home he was wrenched wet. His mother scolded him and then she dried him and asked him to go and shower. So he listened and went. He promised him mother that he will not jump into the canal ever again.
1)Failing his arms in the air,Desperate
ReplyDelete2The current was strong and Tim was a poor swimmer.
3)Tim thanked him and promised not to jump into deep water without an adult permission.
1. desperate dribbling
ReplyDelete2. the ball was bright red with black spots.
3.the ambulance came and brought him to the hospital.
1)Desperate,Swiftly
ReplyDelete2) I can describe everybody in the story and add
more words .
3) Thankfully, Tim was saved by the passer-by and was warned a severe warning and this warning said"NEVER EVER JUMP INTO A POOL WITHOUT ANY ADULT GUIDING YOU AND IF YOU ARE A POOR SWIMMER."Tim's ball was still in the river and Tim was depressed that he could not retrieve his ball.
1) dribbling,desperate
ReplyDelete2) I can use more active words like desperate.
3) The Malay man told Tim not to jump in to any deep pool, or something that you think it is shallow. Because sometimes it may be deep. Tim shook his head and promised the Malay man that he will not jump in to pool or any pool that he do not know how deep it is. Tim also thank the Malay man for saving him.
1)Deep water,Desperately
ReplyDelete2)I can improve by describing the ball and putting more effort in the composition.
3)Tim said that he had an important lesson learnt, that if you are a poor swimmer you should not go to a deep pool.After Tim finish talking he treated the man lunch.
swiftly,desperate foutunely deep green water we can add one more to the man like actualy he was going home but he was so frightend that he might drown so he dived into rescue him.and we can use more discribation for the man
ReplyDelete1)desperately,deep green water
ReplyDelete2)Zhafirah and Reshma were very desperate that their special watches were lost in the canal.In the deep green water there are many rubbish.
3)Tim said thanks to the Ahmad and they went back together.
Mena ,Shantelle
ReplyDelete1)frightened,nervous
2)I would described Tim ,wearing a shirt and a pant,as he is a poor swimmer.
3)Tim thank the man , the man said to Tim "don't play with your ball near the canal ." Tim went home happily .While the man went the opposite direction . Tim had learn a very important lesson today .
2)Fortunately,a man heard Tim's cries and saved Tim
ReplyDelete1) i think the good words are save him and deep green water.
ReplyDelete2)We could give a name to the passer-by like Mr Bean,we could give the canal a name like deep green dirty water.
3)Tim thanked Mr Bean one hundred time and invite for supper and dinner.
and thanked him during lunch.
ReplyDeletea)swiftly ,desperately.
ReplyDeleteb)write more things about the passer-by and the boy.
c)Tim gave a treat to the passer-by ,and said thank you to the passer-by and left for home.
1)current,swiftly.
ReplyDelete2)I should write about Tim new colourful ball.
3)Tim was dripping wet.He thank the boy for saving him.If the boys not there, Tim will not be saved.The boy said"Never try to climb over the railing."Tim thank the boy again.Tim was so happy that the boy saved him.
1)swiftly,desperately
ReplyDelete2)Tim became desperate.He thought for awhile and said,"I will jump into the canal!"He jumped into the canal.Tim felt frightened and nervous as he splashed in the deep green water.
3)Tim thanked the man a hundred times as if he is like a beggar.The man said,"Don't you ever go into the canal anymore!"Tim nodded his head and he went home and he never forgot the promise
1)desperate,swiftly
ReplyDelete2)we should describe the malay boy even more
3)Tim could not think of how to thank the malay boy he told his mother of what happend and his mother gave him a lot of to buy some thing for the malay boy . As he gave him ,the malay boy said that it was his pleasure to save him and he did not accept it.Tim left it on th table and back home.
1)Tim desperately tried to swim towards the ball.
ReplyDeleteAvier is right, this is a fantastic compo ! I like this photo. I think this compo is writen by Lisa. I wonder if the whole class thinks that this is a fantastic compo too!:)
ReplyDelete1)desperate and swiftly
ReplyDelete2)Tim thanked the man a hundred times. The man said, "Never jump into deep water if you are a poor swimmer." Tim nodded his head and left.
3)After he lifted Tim,the Malay boy sent him to the clinic.Then Tim thank the Malay boy and went home.Tim told his mother what happen to him when he went out to play.
ya nice compo
ReplyDeletenice compo
ReplyDeletethis student who wrote this compo skip some words.on third paragraph,the student wrote,tom wish someone would come and save him but the student did not write tom shouted for help and if tom did not shout for help,how did the passer by heard tom cries of help????:0
ReplyDelete